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Sunday, October 7, 2007

Today's Reading

Yep. More of the same. Still on this arrogant dude's site.
The slightest criticism, disagreement, shades of opinion – are interpreted by the narcissist as an all out assault against his very existence. (more)
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The narcissist is pathologically envious of people – and projects his feelings unto them. He is always over-suspicious, on guard, ready to fend off an imminent attack. A punishment to the narcissist is a major surprise and a nuisance but it also proves to him and validates what he suspected all the time: that he is being persecuted. Strong forces are poised against him . . . . (more)

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The narcissistic parent seems to employ a myriad of primitive defences in his dealings with his children. Splitting – idealising the child and devaluing him in cycles, which reflect the internal dynamics of the parent rather than anything the child does. Projective Identification – forcing the child into behaviours and traits, which reflect the parents' fears regarding himself or herself, his or her self-image and his or her self-worth. This is a particularly powerful and pernicious mechanism. If the narcissist parent fears his own deficiencies ("defects"), vulnerability, perceived weaknesses, susceptibility, gullibility, or emotions – he is likely to force the child to "feel" these rejected and (to him) repulsive emotions, to behave in ways strongly abhorred by the parent, to exhibit character traits the parent strongly rejects in himself.

The child, in a way, becomes the "trash bin" of the parents' inhibitions, fears, self-loathing, self-contempt, perceived lack of self-worth, sense of inadequacy, rejected traits, repressed emotions, failures and emotional reticence. Coupled with the parent's treatment of the child as the parent's extension, it serves to totally inhibit the psychological growth and emotional maturation of the child. The child becomes a reflection of the parent – a vessel through which the parent experiences and realises himself for better (hopes, aspirations, ambition, life goals) and for worse (weaknesses, "undesirable" emotions, "negative" traits). A host of other, simpler, defence mechanisms employed by the parent are likely to obscure the predominant use of projective identification: projection, displacement, intellectualisation, depersonalisation. Relationships between such parents and their progeny easily deteriorate to sexual or other modes of abuse because there are no functioning boundaries between them. (more)

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Narcissists should be held accountable for most of what they do because they can tell wrong from right AND they can refrain from acting as they do. They simply don't care enough about others to put to good use these twin abilities. Others are not sufficiently important to dent the narcissist's indifference. (more)

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The narcissist perceives every disagreement – let alone criticism – as nothing short of a THREAT. He reacts defensively. He becomes indignant, aggressive and cold. He detaches emotionally for fear of yet another (narcissistic) injury. He devalues the person who made the disparaging remark. By holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant – he minimises the impact on himself of the disagreement or criticism. Like a trapped animal, the narcissist is forever on the lookout: was this remark meant to demean him? Was this sentence a deliberate attack? Gradually, his mind turns into a chaotic battlefield of paranoia and ideas of reference until he loses touch with reality and retreats to his own world of fantasised grandiosity. . . . .

Take, for example, the narcissist’s family. Narcissists often instruct, order, or threaten their children into hiding the truth of abuse, malfunction, maladaptation, fear, pervasive sadness, violence, mutual hatred and mutual repulsion which are the hallmarks of the narcissistic family. "Not to launder the dirty laundry outside" is a common sentence. The whole family conforms to the fantastic, grandiose, perfect and superior narrative invented by the narcissist. The family becomes an extension of the False Self. This is an integral function of the Sources of Secondary Narcissistic Supply. Criticising, disagreeing, or exposing the fiction and lies, penetrating the family's facade – are considered to be mortal sins. The sinner is immediately subjected to severe and constant emotional harassment, guilt and blame – and to abuse, including physical abuse. This state of things is especially typical of families with a case of sexual abuse. . . . .

An amusing by-product of this atmosphere of concealment and falsity is mutiny.(more)

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Humans are interchangeable and the narcissist anyhow does not distinguish one individual from another. . . .

The narcissist equates emotions with weakness. He regards the sentimental and the emotional with contempt. He looks down on the sensitive and the vulnerable. He derides and despises the dependent and the loving. He mocks expressions of compassion and passion. He is devoid of empathy.(more)
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The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion not fostered by him or by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to. . . .

It is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to the narcissist.(more)

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Money stands for love in the narcissist's emotional vocabulary. Having been deprived of love early on in his childhood, the narcissist constantly seeks for love substitutes. To him, money is THE love substitute. (more)
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Deploying money to control others IS narcissistic. (more)

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3. Living with a Narcissist

You cannot change people, not in the real, profound, deep sense. You can only adapt to them and adapt them to you. If you do find her rewarding at times - you should do two things, in my opinion:

  1. Determine your limits and boundaries. How much and in which ways can you adapt to her (=accept her AS SHE IS) AND to which extent and in which ways would you like her to adapt to you (=accept you as you are). Act accordingly. Accept what you have decided to accept and reject the rest.
    Change in you what you are willing and able to change - and ignore the rest.
    It is sort of an unwritten contract of co-existence (could well be a written one, if you are more formally inclined).
  1. Try to maximize the number of times that "...her walls are down", that you "..find her totally fascinating and everything I desire." What makes her behave this way? Is it something that YOU say or do? Is it preceded by events of a specific nature? Is there anything you can do to make her behave this way more often? (more)

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To be raised as the centre of attention and as the "special one" is to be abused.

The burden of expectations, being taken for granted, the fear to disappoint, the feeling that one is merely an object (of adulation, in this case), an instrument to fulfil other people's dreams, an extension of one's parents - this is the highest, most subtly refined, stealthily pernicious form of abuse. (more)

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Narcissists know the difference between right and wrong and to a large extent they do CHOOSE to do the things they do. They are lazy and have no empathy. To be considerate and understanding one has to invest effort and thought and to empathize. (more)

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A good feeling is also a kind of narcissist supply. . . .I do good things but I am not a good person in the sense that, to me, people are bi-dimensional, instruments for my satisfaction, the fountains of my narcissistic supply, objects. (more)
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Narcissists HATE happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness and, in short, life itself. . . . But there is nothing which reminds narcissists of the totality of their envious experiences than happiness. They lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation. . . . Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy, and you will feel happy only when I tell you to. (more)



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